I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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