guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
