so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
