I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
