You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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