I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
