I wish they made helmets for livers.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
