Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from now on my penis is your penis
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
