I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
