Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
