Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
