You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
