He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just gargled with NyQuil
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
