Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
