Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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