My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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