May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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