I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
