Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
