I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
