Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize