Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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