Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
