I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
