I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
