quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
