I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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