the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
