The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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