I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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