You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
