seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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