do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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