i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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