So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
