My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
