you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Randomize
