ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
