The maid of honor just puked.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize