Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When are your genitals available?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
