How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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