Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize