i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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