I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
