Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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