he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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