I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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