If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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