JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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