I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
