Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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