Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
