Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
