hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize