I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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