You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
